Anon (Sweden): A girl met a boy
Anon (Sweden): A girl met a boy, fell in love and so their journey began….
13 years ago, I met a boy and we fell in love. We were students and dreamt big about our future together. We moved in, got engaged, and migrated to another country where we got married. Life felt pretty good: we were in no rush to get pregnant, we wanted to travel, to build a life together and to have fun. After we got married, we felt that something was missing in our life: a child. We wanted to have our own family. We had good jobs, a beautiful home and two dogs – we were happy.
Soon we begun to wonder, ‘why aren´t we getting pregnant?’ One year later we knew that something was wrong. After several tests and nothing wrong with either of us, our doctor recommended IVF. We googled our options and we were sure that we would soon have our baby. Will it be a boy or a girl? It didn't really matter to us, as long we had our child in our arms. The first IVF cycle failed, and IVF two, three, four and five also failed. Heartbroken. All those meds, all those tears, complications, and negative tests. Pain, tears, a lot of tears… But we kept dreaming, we kept hoping. After several failed attempts, we decided to opt for egg donation, which was a hard decision for us both. All those dreams for a child looking like both him and me were gone; we had to let go. After a lot of research we found a clinic in Spain, and we felt that this time it must work. But all the embryos arrested. We experienced problems with the clinic, and decided to take a break from everything. We needed it. We lost each other in that dream that so many couples have, a dream that very often comes true.
So where are we in this journey? Where am I? You know that young girls that fell in love with that gorgeous, funny, smart young boy? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find her again. All those tears, all those failed attempts… Where am i, where is she who was a positive person, she who believed in miracles? She is in a way gone forever.
Our dream to get pregnant is still there, but will that dream ever come true?
We are now trying egg donation again. It’s hard to find a clinic. We still hope for a miracle but also in a way we are trying to prepare to be that couple that never got pregnant. It is so scary, so heart-breaking to write these words: the childless couple.
I am the eldest in my family. I remember as if it was yesterday changing diapers for my little brother, watching him take his first steps, and he is now a father of two. Do I need to explain, or write my thoughts and feelings about that, or do you understand my pain, my loss and something that I am so ashamed of, my jealousy? Why him and not me? It was supposed to be me first, then him after. Something went wrong here, God what went wrong? Did you abandon me and my love? Why? Did I do something wrong to deserve this pain, this longing for a child I never had? What did we do to deserve to love all those embryos that never implanted? And to cry, feel sorrow, miss them and wonder what kind of person they might have been? Boy? Girl? Did that embryo have his beautiful lips and my thick dark brown hair? All those questions about all those embryos. I don´t know anymore if there is a God; I have lost faith, I have lost myself, and so much more during this journey. 12 years later, still no baby. And here we are doing research, trying to find the perfect clinic that finally can give us a child, our child.
And that young boy I met, he has grey hair now, he still believes in us, in our baby – more than I do. He still says, 12 years later, soon our turn will come. He who googles everyday to find the perfect clinic for us… He who falls asleep of exhaustion… He who always has been the strong one… He who in secret cries in the shower… He who also gets jealous of his colleagues who have children, he who gets sad and angry at the same time.
That boy I fell in love with became a man with grey hair. He would have been such a good father, oh I so wish I could give him children. Why is my body failing us? He who still believe in us, and in our baby that we are so ready to have in our arms, to love with everything that we have.
How this journey will end we still don´t know but that boy, who became a man, is still hoping...