my f word-logo.png

Hi.

Welcome to
my f word.
This is a safe space for
our fertility stories

Jessica (USA): Heartache to Hope

Jessica (USA): Heartache to Hope

Hi! I’m Jessica, I look forward to letting you into a piece of my life! I’m married to my best friend and have been for almost 12 years, woah 12 years, that is hard to believe! We have a daughter through domestic adoption and a two-year-old Labrador retriever.

Hubby and I started trying to have children shortly after we got married but got the devastating news that I had Premature Ovarian Failure and we would need to use donor eggs with IVF to continue. I had many nights of sadness; I really couldn’t believe that this was our only option. We went back and forth for quite a while on what we wanted to do but ultimately we decided not to use donor eggs. We decided that we would adopt and begun our journey.

We did many weeks of adoption parenting classes, learned all about adoption, had our social worker come to our house, did background checks and then we waited… One day in March, while I was taking a class at the local college, I got a call. Our social worker said, “Jessica, we have a birth mom who’s interested in you guys and she would like to meet you”. It all seemed so overwhelming but we were very excited. We went through all the steps with the birth mom and she delivered our beautiful girl in May. We are forever grateful to our daughter’s birth mom, she is a courageous and selfless woman for giving her child a better life than she felt she could give, and for giving us the chance to be parents. We now have a beautiful five year old little girl who is such an amazing person, and we can’t imagine our lives without her!

Fast forward 4 years… I didn’t feel done with having children and our daughter was asking regularly for a brother or sister. Although, our little one was our everything, I still longed to have the experience of being pregnant and would do whatever I could to make that happen. So, I went to the fertility clinic, a new one. I felt like I was a science experiment at this point, I didn’t care who my doctor was, I just wanted to be pregnant. So… my RE said we could do donor embryos! I was like, HUH? What is that all about? The RE told me that my husband and I wouldn’t be biologically related to any resulting children but I could still have the chance to carry.

We were so very happy that this was a possibility. We jumped right in it and got on the list to wait for embryos. I would get a call or email every few weeks telling me about a set of embryos, but they just never sounded like the right ones for our family. One day, while perusing facebook, I stumbled upon an embryo adoption/donation facebook group and asked to join. They accepted and I was so happy to see so many people had gotten pregnant

with donated embryos! This gave us hope! I then put our family profile on their recipient file page in case there were donors who were looking for people to donate their precious embryos to. One day I went on the Donor profile page and saw that someone was

looking for a family to donate their embryos to, she explained what they were looking for and I felt like I could go on a whim and reply. What they were looking for was so close to what we wanted in a donation that it seemed too good to be true. A couple days after I replied I got a message in my inbox! I was so excited I could barely stand it. I felt like maybe this was it, this was what was going to complete our family! The donor mom and I had a conversation on the phone, she was so lovely and intelligent and seemed like she really cared about where her sweet embryos would go, what would happen to them. We spoke about how our families would intertwine and how any resulting children would know their donor family when everyone was ready. A few days after that, she and her husband had decided that they would want to donate to us. We were over the moon with excitement and couldn’t wait to be the parents of these sweet little embies. We went through all of the legal formalities and soon after had the embryos shipped to our clinic. It all went very fast and we couldn’t wait to start the Frozen Embryo Transfer process.

And so we did. We got on the calendar for having a frozen embryo transfer in July 2017 to transfer one highly graded embryo. Well unfortunately, that ended in a BFN (big fat negative). I was devastated. I couldn’t believe it didn’t work, and wondered why if I have such perfect insides like the doctor had told me, what was the problem?! The clinic didn’t change the protocol and scheduled another transfer for November 2017. So I geared up again with many, many shots, weight gain, crazy emotions, etc… And had that transfer Nov. 1 2017. Unfortunately, 2 weeks later, the day before my husband’s birthday, I got another BFN! This one felt even worse than the first failed transfer. I bought the little embie a little stuffed animal on the day of testing while waiting to find out and I never got to give it to what would have been our baby.

So, enough was enough, it was time to switch clinics and have a new protocol. We had two embryos left and were searching for a miracle. Fortunately, we found a great clinic that I now feel confident with and am looking forward to my next transfer in the next couple of weeks. Infertility is such a blow to women and men. Sure, there are many people in this world who choose not to have children, but those of us who do, it's so horrible when it doesn’t work. I believe we will have more children and that I’m going to carry, but we had to have this journey to get here, and for now I’m at peace.

To contact Jessica, you can follow her blog (Jessicajoysfertilityornot.com) or visit her Instagram account (Jessjoysembryoadoption)

Giovanna (USA): Hoping For a Miracle

Giovanna (USA): Hoping For a Miracle

Anna (UK): It's all about love

Anna (UK): It's all about love