Nicole (USA): Trying to conceive after loss
Pregnancy is hard. Or at least it was for me. Getting pregnant was a challenge. Three failed IUIs, IVF, and a chemical pregnancy before we finally got pregnant with our sons. When we finally got pregnant, immediately following out miscarriage, I couldn’t even enjoy it until I was in the second trimester because I was so afraid something was going to happen. Sadly, infertility robs us of the ability to pee on a stick, get a positive test, and accept that we are pregnant. We have betas, ultrasounds and meds that remind us of how hard it was to get pregnant.
After I left my first trimester, I finally started to breathe a little and it sunk in that I was pregnant. I spent the next several months preparing for our twin boys to arrive. Our family and friends showered us with love and baby gifts. We prepared their nursery with a jungle animal theme. I was going to be a mom!
Sadly, a few weeks shy of my delivery, one of my sons, William, passed away. On April 5th 2017, I delivered my sons, Asher and William. One of my babies is here in my arms and one is in heaven.
So yes, pregnancy is hard. My pregnancy was hard. But shit, ttc after loss is proving to be a challenge all of its own. We have been trying to conceive our rainbow baby through IVF for several months now, unsuccessfully. Each time we transfer an embryo, I pray that if a pregnancy is not going to end in me bringing home a healthy baby, that I don’t get pregnant at all. We had a chemical pregnancy last month.
Luckily, my desire to give Asher another sibling outweighs my fear of getting and staying pregnant again. I try not to think about how scary pregnancy will be this time around. I thought that going into all of this, that it would be easier this time around because I have Asher. He is definitely a good distraction, but this is still so incredibly hard. TTC after loss and struggling with infertility is a challenge, even when you have a child at home.
Each of us has our own journey. But one thing that we all share is the uncertainty that infertility brings. My hope for all of my sisters going through this struggle is that we embrace the uncertainty. Embrace it with everything you have. I truly believe that the pain, the fear, the unknown that we experience, will far outweigh by the joy that is to come.